What do Hawaii, Indonesia, and Illinois Have in Common? Obama.

While other people go places because of meditation retreats, food, or beaches, I went to three distinct lands because I wanted to Eat, Pray, and Love my way into Obama’s childhood. That sounds so much creepier than I ever imagined, and is not true at all. Still, this year, I managed to spend time in places Obama lived while growing up (he also attended college in L.A. and NYC, both of which I have spent time in this year as well. Duh.), and here, now, I shall draw incredible comparisons.

-Because of his often varying stances on war, gay marriage, and rights, Obama has frequently been called a chameleon. In Hawaii, I found many a chameleon on my backyard.

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-As a child, Obama learned in 6 months how to speak the main native language, Bahasa Indonesia. As an adult, I learned in 6 days how to eat Indonesia out of their national food supply.

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-Barack and Michelle had their wedding in Chicago. This year, I photographed a wedding in Chicago.

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-The islands of Hawai’i are pronounced “Huh-vie-ee” by pretentious people and locals. My favorite treat in Hawai’i is pronounced, “Lilikoi, strawberry, and pickled mango shave ice on ube ice cream, small please.”

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-Obama was born in Hawaii. Not similarly, I was born in California.

-Throughout his career, Obama has received many signs threatening his efforts to improve our country. In Hawaii, I found awesome signs, like this one.

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-As a young adult,Obama attended Occidental College in L.A. As a not-that-young-anymore adult, this spring in L.A. I occidentally overate my fill of petish, an Indian delicacy my friend Vic and I discovered years ago.

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-Throughout his presidency, Obama has been about equal rights, no matter your gender, income level, or color. These chicks in Indonesia were not a natural color.

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-Obama has tried for gun control, but after being thwarted at every attempt, it seems the government is slow-moving at best when it comes to recalling the second amendment, fighting for stricter gun laws, or changing the way our country fights such crimes. This Hawaiian turtle can’t even.

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-In Indonesia, the country’s flag is red and white. My favorite color is green.

-While in NYC as a youngster, Obama became familiar with the city’s famous skyline. While in New Jersey as an oldster, I became familiar with the fact that Times Square is better enjoyed from far, far away.

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-Obama grew up in the gorgeous blue-green waters, deserts, mountains, and rainforests of Hawaii. This year, I got to live and photograph in the beautiful waters, rainforests, volcanos, and landscapes only Hawaii has. Note that I didn’t use apostrophes in “Hawai’i” this time ’round.

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-As a child in Indonesia, Obama kept a pet ape called Tata. As an adult in Indonesia, I kept desiring a pet monkey but quickly abandoned the dream after 3 of my friends got bloody scrapes from these cute devils.

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So thanks, Obama,

 

 

Which Island is This Quote From?

Swinging boys on Water Island

I’ve been to so many islands as of late, I’m almost like every other person here: late to everything, flaky with the possibility of even making plans, and very tan. If you count the cancerish darkening of skin where I have repeatedly been burned, I mean. And don’t tell me how I ended my title with a preposition. I know.

Anyhow, to cap my year on islands (not including the Bahamas or St. Martin, where I currently am), let’s play a game: Which island said this?

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1 “So I go to all the islands and treat people as a specialty surgeon.” “What’s your specialty?” “I’m a plumber.”

  1. Actual plumber, Bali, Indonesia
  2. Confused medical assistant, Japan
  3. Urologist, Big Island

2 “It never rains the next 5 miles.”

  1. Highly specific weather forecaster, Maui
  2. Pothead barefoot hiker
  3. A resident of the White Desert, Egypt

3 “Which side should I sit on for the best view of the islands?” “Left (motions).” [I saw 0 islands.]

  1. Flight attendant conused about where she was
  2. Light attendant confused about her left vs. right
  3. Flight attendant confused about life

4 “Ma’am, are you looking for mangoes? They aren’t good. Here, have these (Peers over the fence, then hands me several lovely mangoes of a different varietal from his yard).”

  1. The friendly folks of Puerto Rico
  2. The bitter locals of St. John
  3. Florida

5 “Looks like fanny packs are in in this commonwealth.”

  1. Commonwealth of the Virgin Islands
  2. Japan
  3. No one ever said this in Puerto Rico, but it was obviously true

6 “Everything’s so delicious and clean.”

  1. Japan
  2. Bali
  3. Java

7 “I have the runs.”

  1. Vermont
  2. Yes
  3. Bali

8 [Returning my rental car] “Do I park anywhere or are there assigned spots?” “I’m standin’ here waitin’, ain’t I?” This friendly response brought to you by:

  1. An employee in Puerto Rico
  2. An employee in St. Thomas
  3. An employee in New Jersey

9 “Sure, you can take photos of me on the water. Wanna see my crystals?”

  1. Meth dealer in St. Thomas
  2. Pre-teen surfer in Kauai
  3. Likely high skimboarder on Big Island

10 “I feel dizzy.” “You do? I feel like I’m seeing things. Everything is fuzzy.” “I’m in a very happy place now.”

  1. The high skimboarder on Big Island, after taking his crystals
  2. My friends, after drinking Luwak poop coffee
  3. Results after visiting a methodone clinic

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Now that we all know how Puerto Rico is a friendly place and everywhere else is dirty, I’ll share some photos from several of the islands that give a li’l hint as to what was there. The answer key is at the bottom.

  1. c; 2. b; 3. Any 4. a; 5. c; 6. a; 7. b or c; 8. b; 9. c; 10. 2

Kauai, Hawaii: The More You Know*

Solitary beauty

You may think that living in Hawaii is similar to living anywhere else in America, but that’s where you’d be wrong. In fact, even the islands within the state of Hawaii are all different from each other–and the state as a whole is so very different from the mainland. But no matter where I am in the world, there is so much to learn. For example…

In India, I learned that women, cleanliness, safety, and medicine rank low on the totem pole.

In Thailand, I learned that new food prep, innovation, internet usage, and sleeping past 6 AM are frowned upon.

In Kauai, Hawaii, I learned that people move to this island in particular to set up shanty towns in the wild and become live-off-the-land tax evaders.

So now that you’ve been given a hint, what do naked people, money, beaches, and crazy destinations have in common with each other? Atlantic City. But why would I ruin a perfectly good post to talk about such a God-forsaken place?

My whole point of moving temporarily to Hawaii was to one day hang out of a helicopter and take photos over the Na Pali coast. But since that seemed unlikely, hiking the coast seemed a very good second best. However, the photography job I was offered was on the Big Island. No biggie, since that was my second-choice island! Almost the size of Connecticut and full of snow-capped peaks, volcanoes, rainforests, and beaches, I never ran out of things to do outdoors.

But then I was invited to hike Kauai’s Na Pali coastal trail—the Kalalau Trail—and I knew I couldn’t pass it up. So off my friend Brett and I went to this small but most delightful island, full of beautiful natural wonder, birds I’d never seen, and…traffic. I mean, there’s basically only one road and way too many tourists trying to polish off their cancer-ready tans. So the morning after landing, we tried to get away from the crowds and thus started out on 10 miles of “practice” hikes.

Of course, the first hike–the Awa’awapuhi Trail–blew my mind, and here’s why:

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No, I did not make that trail name up.

Then the main, 3-day Kalalau Trail blew my mind. Here’s why.

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After that, the other trails didn’t blow my mind. But there WERE free wild mangoes littering some of them, so I kept stopping to messily snack like a little kid. We then ate lunch, had shave ice, and sadly departed. The Big Island has so much to do, but Kauai’s wildly unique beauty captured my imagination. Plus, where else would I, should the urge to do yoga or do it naked ever arise, have such an amazing view?

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Ehhh, I’ve hiked in better places.

1I8A0200Ehhh, I’ve played frisbee in prettier places.

There were indeed many, uhhh, modern-day hermits living in unexpected places, hobbit-like folks hiking the trail bare-footed, and almost no “normal” campers who had planned ahead, bought permits, and expected to enjoy the views with, I dunno, law-abiding citizens who were aware their social security cards were indeed still in existence? But despite odd people and too many of them in the most random places, for the most part we enjoyed hours of trail sections without internet, without cell service, and without people. We had a 1,500-foot waterfall to ourselves, saw dolphins and mountain goats, and just enjoyed what has to be the prettiest hike of my entire life. There were so many cliffs and awesome areas (like the not-aptly-named Crawler’s Ledge, which sounds dangerous but really isn’t) that would give any mother a heart attack. Though the elevation gain wasn’t big at all as a whole, the change in scenery and hot sun on exposed rock made 40 miles in 4 days tough!  I sure felt healthy afterwards, a feeling which was quickly erased during our post-hike milkshake-and-burger celebration. We hiked more the next day, saw a lighthouse, overate, and wished there was more time to stay in the wild. Did you learn something new today? I sure did. I’d go back to Kauai in a heartbeat, though I don’t think I’m prepared to see so many old naked practitioners again just yet. Until next time, dear Kauai.

*Note: This post not endorsed by NBC

Though watermarks were put on the photos I took, none of the photos in this post were edited in any way, shape, or form. This is Hawaii shown in its unadulterated natural beauty!

Travel Haiku from Tropical Islands

 

Lizard

For that fateful day

When my world turned upside down

Oh, that was just you

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Farmer’s market

Sign: “Legalize NOW!”

Who knew Rastafarians

Were also Jewish?

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Close

I think this must mean

I almost won yet again

Play Here Win Here Fail

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1940s, 1950s?

Oats, I never knew

You were so old school in dress

Is Quick more current?

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Squid

You are beautiful

In New York, we just eat you

I’ll hold off while here

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Reflection

The terrorists came

They left their mark, and then some

Threats, using mirrors

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Gangs

So many darn rules

And yet, with all that, it seems

Gangs themselves are coo’

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Parking

How is this legal?

My words fall upon deaf ears

HOW IS THIS LEGAL?

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Ray

It’s just not polite

To give someone the stank eye

Adjust your ‘tude, dude

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Sewage

A cute skunk mascot

25 years of feces

Poop jokes never fail

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Trunk Bay

Work on your image

Only Photoshop will save

A wasteland like you

 

*Please excuse the (mostly) poor (largely) camera phone photos

**All photos were taken in the U.S. Virgin Islands

***Yes, haiku is the plural of haiku