I’ve been to so many islands as of late, I’m almost like every other person here: late to everything, flaky with the possibility of even making plans, and very tan. If you count the cancerish darkening of skin where I have repeatedly been burned, I mean. And don’t tell me how I ended my title with a preposition. I know.

Anyhow, to cap my year on islands (not including the Bahamas or St. Martin, where I currently am), let’s play a game: Which island said this?

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1 “So I go to all the islands and treat people as a specialty surgeon.” “What’s your specialty?” “I’m a plumber.”

1. Actual plumber, Bali, Indonesia
2. Confused medical assistant, Japan
3. Urologist, Big Island

2 “It never rains the next 5 miles.”

1. Highly specific weather forecaster, Maui
2. Pothead barefoot hiker
3. A resident of the White Desert, Egypt

3 “Which side should I sit on for the best view of the islands?” “Left (motions).” [I saw 0 islands.]

1. Flight attendant conused about where she was
2. Light attendant confused about her left vs. right
3. Flight attendant confused about life

4 “Ma’am, are you looking for mangoes? They aren’t good. Here, have these (Peers over the fence, then hands me several lovely mangoes of a different varietal from his yard).”

1. The friendly folks of Puerto Rico
2. The bitter locals of St. John
3. Florida

5 “Looks like fanny packs are in in this commonwealth.”

1. Commonwealth of the Virgin Islands
2. Japan
3. No one ever said this in Puerto Rico, but it was obviously true

6 “Everything’s so delicious and clean.”

1. Japan
2. Bali
3. Java

7 “I have the runs.”

1. Vermont
2. Yes
3. Bali

8 [Returning my rental car] “Do I park anywhere or are there assigned spots?” “I’m standin’ here waitin’, ain’t I?” This friendly response brought to you by:

1. An employee in Puerto Rico
2. An employee in St. Thomas
3. An employee in New Jersey

9 “Sure, you can take photos of me on the water. Wanna see my crystals?”

1. Meth dealer in St. Thomas
2. Pre-teen surfer in Kauai
3. Likely high skimboarder on Big Island

10 “I feel dizzy.” “You do? I feel like I’m seeing things. Everything is fuzzy.” “I’m in a very happy place now.”

1. The high skimboarder on Big Island, after taking his crystals
2. My friends, after drinking Luwak poop coffee
3. Results after visiting a methodone clinic

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Now that we all know how Puerto Rico is a friendly place and everywhere else is dirty, I’ll share some photos from several of the islands that give a li’l hint as to what was there. The answer key is at the bottom.

1. c; 2. b; 3. Any 4. a; 5. c; 6. a; 7. b or c; 8. b; 9. c; 10. 2