India = ????? Wait, We Already Know (Exclusive Content)


Welcome to a very special blog post! You, yes you, have been specially invited as a select group of (un)lucky readers to get this very private posting. What’s the subject? Hint: What happens when you get food poisoning, eat too many frosted mini-wheats, or have a few too many asparagus stalks? Yes, you know what I’m sayin’.

My older brother, Timothy, lovingly suggested—no, demanded—that I live-blog my excripades the day after eating in New Delhi. And that, my friends, is going to happen very soon, very soon indeed.

“Delhi Belly,” or “Delhi Belhi,” as the more obnoxious spelling goes, is the explosive diarrhea that is impossible to avoid after eating the street food of New Delhi, India. Or anywhere in the country, for that matter. In fact, I’ve been advised repeatedly to not partake in such a life mistake, especially during my first day in the country. The unclean water that’s used/not properly used in everything from chopped vegetables and ice pops to fillings and sweets makes its way into one’s stomach, no matter how careful one is about eating. But eat I will, as this specific food day is pretty much the most exciting food experience I’ve ever wanted. I cannot describe how excited I am to have a local show me the cheap street food that is sure to be delicious, and sure to poison (my bowels). Yes, of COURSE this entire post is in bad taste, but then again, what did you expect from me?

Educational tidbit: The Bristol Stool Scale is an equal-opportunity aid used to measure poop. Please be sure to read up on it here before reading on, as a solid understanding of one’s body is something to be proud of.

With the BSS, there’s no winning or losing. If it comes out your body, no matter the form, your body has cleansed itself and become pure once again.

But no so fast, fellers. What happens when the as-of-yet-unheard-of, ground-breaking, possibly life-threatening BSS #8 comes into play? What about complete blockage at #0? What about, dare I say it, negative numbers? Stay tuned, my friends, to hear the horrific issues that arise, or sink, upon the conclusion of my day of eating in New Delhi.




12/13/11, 5:51PM – To Be Continued Shortly…

12/14/11, 10:01AM – I’m with an absolutely lovely family in West Delhi. We’re about to head out to eat street food, and therefore, I’m about to get sick! I already feel weird, but that could be from the lack of sleep. Or the mosquito bites. Or the juice and food they’ve already offered me. Details to come soon…today’s the day!

12/14/11, 7:15PM – Just finished eating here and there all day. The food isn’t quite the variety I expected, and I didn’t get the dish I came for, but I still had an even better day than I thought. Really terrific people, really great mini road trip…just, fun. Oh, you wanted to hear about the food. There’s pretty much no way I’m avoiding fate, if that’s what you wanted to know. I ate 7 different small meals today and drank “safe” water twice. I feel fine (with the exception of the surprising nausea I felt twice today, which I hope was a fluke), which is EXACTLY WHAT THE TAINTED WATER/DIAHRREA GODS WANT ME TO THINK. I’ll expect nothing until the unexpected happens.

12/15/11, 12:01AM – “Do you have more toilet paper if I need it?” “I should hope so.” – scary words from a future Big D patient. Why did I come to a toilet paper-less world again when I knew I’d need to face terrible bouts with the enemy?

12/15/11, 12:30AM – First bout. BSS 1-2OH COME ON. You asked!

12/15/11, 12:31AM – I’m scared. Mommy? 

12/15/11, 1:38AM – I’m having bubbling issues, but so far nothing crazy. Given what I ate today, I just know this can’t end well. Plus, the toilet isn’t flushing. Very troubling. Must sleep so I have energy for the big day, you know what I’m sayin’?

12/15/11, 7:17AM – I am all right. I am all right I am all right I am all right. What has happened? Sure, there are bubbling issues, but the lack of…you know…has me confused. Has God blessed me? Or rather, chosen not to curse me? Early Christmas? WHAT IS/ISN’T HAPPENING? This isn’t over. Still bubbling, ya know.

12/15/11, 9:30AM – Still okay. Still okay. Amazing. Must not count blessings too soon, though.

12/15/11, 4:09PM – Still fine, shockingly. I know this is getting boring for y’all, but there may be hope for you yet, and trouble for me ahead. We just spent ANOTHER day eating all around town. Those milkshakes with straws spell trouble. I will be shocked if I escape another day and am able to board my plane south tomorrow.

12/15/11, 5:49PM – Uh oh. No, nothing’s happened exactly, but I am staying here another day and night…and we just went to a terrific food market, where…I had to taste all the fresh fruits and veggies. This, along with water, is the number one no-no for getting sick. And I just bought a plane AND train ticket for tomorrow, non-refundable. Uh oh.

12/15/11, 10:08PM – We just finished dinner. More juice, more fresh veggies. I feel I am doomed.

12/16/11, 12:06AM – I have never had that many different numbers to check off the Bristol Stool Scale in just one session. Goodness gracious that was worrisome. 

12/16/11, 4:08AM – 7.




Oh my Lord.

12/16/11, 6:08AM – WHY ME, WHY ME? It has happened. And on travel day, too. I’m burning.

12/16/11, 7:17AM – Pray, please. This could be the worst travel day in history. I may have just created BSS #8.

12/17/11, 2:56PM – I’ve taken a car, an auto-cab, a bus, a plane, another auto-cab, a local train, a train, and a van in the last 36 hours. I decided to just re-curse myself, so I ate street food AND went to a restaurant AND had “fresh” bottled liquids. I wasn’t feeling so hot by the time I reached Mumbai, but I’m actually okay. I took precautions medicine-wise, but maybe (for now) it wasn’t so bad? This could be the conclusion of my entry to India’s digestion journey…

12/18/11, 3:02PM – I’m here, I’m fine, and I had no ill effects from the street food I recently consumed. Everyone here is scared of it, however, because of one girl’s incident, but I will push on. Over and out, and sorry for the disappointing posts–but hey, you got two BSS sevens, so you’ve gotta be partially happy, at least. Over and out, and on to “normal” updates.


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