I’m traveling without much internet until early March, so fortunately for you, the somewhat loyal reader, you won’t have to suffer through any posts for several more weeks! Until then, here’s where I’m hiking during my last week in Peru.
Author Archives: antitouristtraveler
Travel Stories with Predictable Punchlines: Peru Edition
I am in South America!
To celebrate my first full week of being in Peru (I’m petsitting in an awesome area called Urubamba, about 75 minutes from Machu Picchu), I decided to put together some travel stories with the most predictable outcomes ever. These are all completely real, and all brought to you by this lovely country where they speak a language I do not. Well heck, it sure beats Blizzard Jonas, eh?
Travel Story #1
I was making a sandwich to take on my hike this morning. Because I’m in Peru, nothing is standard. Most notably, the [unrefrigerated and unwrapped when purchased–already a sign of things to come] cheese is blocks of eggshell-colored stuff that has very little taste or texture until grilled or fried. The huge block I bought yesterday was touched far too much by the vendor, then placed directly in a bag. It should come as no surprise, then, when I started cutting slicing into my pan and noticed a hair. Slightly disgusted but not all that shocked, I took it off and decided to go with my other block of cheese in the meantime. I took edible attempt #2 out of the fridge and started slicing.
It also had a hair.
Travel Story #2
Oh, that wasn’t the end of Travel Story #1, you fool. I then made the sandwich and tried to put the cheese ordeal out of my mind by switching to a sweet snack—these delightful popped cereals sold in bags on the street. But this one was different: my neighbor had given me this new type in a nice, fresh, Ziploc bag. I’d eaten 3/4 of the bag in a day because it was so tasty and new. Out with the cheese, in with the crunchy Peruvian street cereal!
The piece of cereal I reached for had dental floss baked into it.
Travel Story #3
Aren’t sheep cool? There are two here at the house. They’re so big, soft, and cuddly.
One of the sheep head-butted a dog, smack-on (and I laughed my head off after running away like a scaredy cat when it started to fluff stampede after me). This was payback to dogs all around the world, perhaps, for earlier in the week when I came home to find the pooch I was watching had ripped through all my bags of precious homemade snacks from America. But then the cat should have had something done, too, because she gifted me a huge dead rat in the bedroom. Isn’t that why I left the city?
Travel Story #4
I was speaking to one of my landlords when I heard a thump and saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was a bird! Not just any bird, but my favorite: a hummingbird! It was stomach-side-up and barely moving, and was about to be eaten by the cat for sure. I didn’t know what else to do but pick it up. It was beautiful, and emerald green, and very on the brink of life or death, if I can get way too dramatic. I held it in my hand and kind of petted it. Then, taking it into my kitchen, I got a big spoon and filled it with sugar water. Amazingly, the hummingbird started sipping with its cute little tongue! Within just a few minutes, it had definitely gotten stronger, and after some more feeding and petting, it flew off! What an awesome experience.
I’m a hero.
The incredible hummingbird, up close
Travel Story #5
The internet worked here for 1 day. The next day there was an 8-hour power outage, followed by a there-will-never-again-be-internet outage. I was “stealing” the landlord’s in order to do work and waste time on Facebook. No one could figure out why the internet just disappeared, so two days ago, out of curiosity (and with permission), I decided to follow the cord that went from my house to the master modem. I followed it out of my room, onto the porch, through the yard, and into my neighbor’s living room. It ended just hanging in a corner, attached to nothing at all. I told the landlords this was most likely definitely are you nuts? the problem.
“No, that’s not the problem,” they said. “The owner of your house only uses wireless, so we unplugged the wire.” (Update: They got someone to come over, rip it out of that house, re-string it, and plug it into the modem in their house, and thus I now have internet.)
Travel Story #6
One of my neighbors here is an older Peruvian gentlemen who is obviously intelligent and speaks English perfectly. He is into the outdoors, having mysterious client meeting, and possibly voiceover work and/or torturing kittens. Seriously, he has a most booming voice.
Anyhow, the other night he stopped by my porch and said, “Kathryn, have you ever tried plant medicine?” Now I don’t know about you, but my mind went directly to Herbalife or a similar pyramid schemed. Seriously, I had to work this spring with a bunch of reps from that company, and the brainwashing was very, very noticeable. If you’re a member, just unfriend me now, I beg you. Anyhow, this dapper Peruvian went on to tell me that it’s actually a hallucinogenic drug from the Peruvian mountains—except he refused to use that simple descriptor and instead kept using words like “mind-altering” and “conscious-awakening” and “safe and regulated medicine.” It’s a drug, dude. “Google it and let’s talk tomorrow. I think it’s a sign from above that you’re awake! I’d be delighted if you joined me.” Anyhow, I looked it up. It involves a Peruvian cactus, a shaman, and all that goodness. The effects last 12-14 hours. If you know me, you know I’m just not into these sorts of things. I’d much rather stay home and do heroin. But it would be neat to document this Peruvian ceremony, no?
“Kathryn, let’s talk this morning—you’ve had a chance to read up on the plant medicine?” He asked eagerly the next day. I said I’d chat with him.
“Is it true the effects last 12-14 hours?” I asked him. “Oh, well, that depends on how much you drink. But this won’t be like that. I plan to be there only from 3pm until midnight, so you could bring your camera and a book or something.”
I mulled it over but decided that with 4 deadlines in the next few days, I just couldn’t afford 9 hours of watching people do…that. I thanked him anyway and he left at 2:47pm yesterday, on Saturday.
At the time of me publishing this, at 8:39pm on Sunday, January 24, 2016, he still has not returned home.
Travel Story #7
Today I went to the famous terraced salt pans called Selinas de Maras. I left early to avoid the hot afternoon sun, and wore pants, boots, a hat, a sunproof long-sleeve shirt, and lots of suncream on my face. I was really careful the whole day to re-apply, and felt that despite being quite hot, I wasn’t going to have sunburned arms, legs, or facial features. Here’s to being responsible and covering up!
My hands got very burned, and I now have my normal pale exterior and lobster claws.
The Selinas de Maras. I was the first there and arrived from the non-touristy end (or less touristy), so it was great having the whole place to myself! Just for size, those little huts down there can fit about 6 people. These salt pans go on for quite a while.
Until next week’s installment, which will interest Humans of New York fans, stay warm!
Travel Without Anticipation
I bet you’re anticipating Christmas tomorrow, right? Oh, you’re Jewish. Happy Yom Kippur. But how can one not anticipate travel, you ask? Easy! You go on an international trip with very little warning, or something otherwise known as 3 hours to pack for a 29-hour flight halfway across the world.
Fact: Halfway around the world from where I live is actually in the Indian ocean near Australia. But you get the picture.
As I wrote back in August, I was in the car with my good friend on the way to work when this happened:
My friend to me, yesterday: “Well, you and I both like adventures and travel and exciting everything.”
Me: “Exactly. I LOVE finding random adventures and just going somewhere at the drop of a hat.”
Him: [Pause] “Right, so come with us tomorrow to Indonesia.”
Tonight I am leaving for Indonesia.
Yes, so that’s how it happened. Four of us, all friends (though they’ve all known each other for years and I’m just a newbie to the gang), all met at the airport and were off to Japan. Boom! No anticipation! I mean, except for the time it took to process my friend’s invitation, buy the ticket, get to the plane, and fly the first 14-hour leg.
Things I did not anticipate in Japan:
-Eating four lunches. I didn’t eat that much, but I did have the best ramen of my life, egg with mini shrimp sushi (I’m allergic to seafood, dontcha know), mango milk (pretty sure it came from a camel), and some cool snacks like carbonated hard candies.
-How quiet, neat, and orderly everything is.
-How beautiful, green, and peaceful it is—but with an overwhelming feeling of sadness everywhere I went. It wasn’t just the grey sky—it was a mood.
Things I did not anticipate in Bali:
-How touristy most of the island is. You can be walking in a field you think is just a beautiful field, and a local will ask you for a “donation” in order to pass. I’m not blaming anyone, but I am saying this is the kind of place I can’t stand to be in. If I’m traveling internationally to underdeveloped countries, I like going where I am the only foreigner, and where I can work and live like a local. This is probably why I should never travel with anyone ever again. There were at least two sets of mandatory donations to get to the beautiful fields below. Which is fine. But they’re not donations. What are you, the Metropolitan Museum of Art?
-How happy everyone on the island seems to be.
-Except her. She wanted money and she wasn’t even doing my laundry.
-How much the masseuses would giggle each time I started giggling because of my ticklish tendencies. But when massages cost $6 for an hour, you go get them every other day anyhow.
-How monkeys make for the best photos. Seriously, I just haven’t gotten bored taking monkey photos in years.
-How I support no artificial colors or dies in my food, drink, and animals.
-How I’d actually convince a friend to go dive a shipwreck with me. The oceanlife was fantastic.
-That I was going to walk into an M.C. Escher painting at Tanah Lot. The sunset was disappointing, but the angle of these mind-tricking wave-waterfalls were not.
-That the engagement/styled wedding shoot I did with this lovely Swiss couple (for a photography company I work for, The Lilypad Agency) would be one of my absolute favorites of the year. And we did part of it at our own incredible villa, which featured swim-from-the-bathroom pools and hidden rooms. Not lying.
Things I did not anticipate in Jakarta:
-That I wouldn’t be staying in Jakarta, but outside of it with a new friend, and then traveling to a pretty untraveled area out in Indonesian villages.
-How awesome it would be eating street food, food court food, and mini restaurant food around Indonesia’s capital city. No, I did know that. There was the pandan man who served three different types of green pancakes rolled in sugar, the fried foods person, the baby pineapple boys, the cut up unripe fruits and veggies in some pepper peanut sauce I did not understand guy, the what are these jellies floating in some kind of palm milk substance drink man, and so much more.
-That I might enjoy making these adorable kiddies hanging out with us for the day giggle a lot. My face is amusing in many all countries.
-That my friend Lydia was not going to be able to keep a straight face in any of the photos with her family–and said photos now hang in her aunt’s living room.
-That I was going to come across a very hairy giant martian blockhead baby costume while riding on the back of a motorcycle, and still have no idea what it was months after the fact.
-How much I would love it, especially after touristy Bali. I didn’t see a single tourist the entire day!
A few other photos from Indonesia and Japan are below for entertainment purposes only. Heck, I bet you didn’t even anticipate making it through this entire post, but congrats on the accomplishment. The next post will be the last of the year, and considering I’m writing about this trip 4 months after the fact, I’ll probably see you in April 2017.
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What do Hawaii, Indonesia, and Illinois Have in Common? Obama.
While other people go places because of meditation retreats, food, or beaches, I went to three distinct lands because I wanted to Eat, Pray, and Love my way into Obama’s childhood. That sounds so much creepier than I ever imagined, and is not true at all. Still, this year, I managed to spend time in places Obama lived while growing up (he also attended college in L.A. and NYC, both of which I have spent time in this year as well. Duh.), and here, now, I shall draw incredible comparisons.
-Because of his often varying stances on war, gay marriage, and rights, Obama has frequently been called a chameleon. In Hawaii, I found many a chameleon on my backyard.
-As a child, Obama learned in 6 months how to speak the main native language, Bahasa Indonesia. As an adult, I learned in 6 days how to eat Indonesia out of their national food supply.
-Barack and Michelle had their wedding in Chicago. This year, I photographed a wedding in Chicago.
-The islands of Hawai’i are pronounced “Huh-vie-ee” by pretentious people and locals. My favorite treat in Hawai’i is pronounced, “Lilikoi, strawberry, and pickled mango shave ice on ube ice cream, small please.”
-Obama was born in Hawaii. Not similarly, I was born in California.
-Throughout his career, Obama has received many signs threatening his efforts to improve our country. In Hawaii, I found awesome signs, like this one.
-As a young adult,Obama attended Occidental College in L.A. As a not-that-young-anymore adult, this spring in L.A. I occidentally overate my fill of petish, an Indian delicacy my friend Vic and I discovered years ago.
-Throughout his presidency, Obama has been about equal rights, no matter your gender, income level, or color. These chicks in Indonesia were not a natural color.
-Obama has tried for gun control, but after being thwarted at every attempt, it seems the government is slow-moving at best when it comes to recalling the second amendment, fighting for stricter gun laws, or changing the way our country fights such crimes. This Hawaiian turtle can’t even.
-In Indonesia, the country’s flag is red and white. My favorite color is green.
-While in NYC as a youngster, Obama became familiar with the city’s famous skyline. While in New Jersey as an oldster, I became familiar with the fact that Times Square is better enjoyed from far, far away.
-Obama grew up in the gorgeous blue-green waters, deserts, mountains, and rainforests of Hawaii. This year, I got to live and photograph in the beautiful waters, rainforests, volcanos, and landscapes only Hawaii has. Note that I didn’t use apostrophes in “Hawai’i” this time ’round.
-As a child in Indonesia, Obama kept a pet ape called Tata. As an adult in Indonesia, I kept desiring a pet monkey but quickly abandoned the dream after 3 of my friends got bloody scrapes from these cute devils.
So thanks, Obama,
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